Closure is a term we all hear often. When people seek closure, they seek an end or more so, the reasoning to an end. People use wanting closure to justify wanting to speak to an ex or a former friend. People use the need of closure to dwell on situations, want answers or explanations to someones behavior, or just feel like things ended. Some people spend years questioning the past, feeling like without that final conversation, they can never truly move on. But sometimes you don’t get that.
I admit, that when I was younger and naive, I always wanted closure. I was the one to mail handwritten letters to exes, months after a break up, to just “get things off my chest.” After a breakup or end to a “situationship,” I would over analyze everything. I would revisit texts (since I kept everything) or moments trying to see where it went wrong, or more so, what I did to mess it up. I’d send late night texts like, “What was it about me…”
For me, wanting closure wasn’t really about wanting an end to things. I used “wanting closure” for various reasons. Firstly, I wanted an excuse to talk to that person again. I felt like reaching out would remind them, “Hey, I’m here still thinking about you! I still have feelings for you.” I also used the excuse of wanting closure to avoid reality. I would want to know what I did wrong to shift the blame on me, when the truth was, it wasn’t on me. It was the other person, or timing, or fate. But I was so set on not letting go of the person or situation, that I would rather take the blame and try to have that again, than to accept it was not meant to be. In hindsight, I probably looked like a fool, but you don’t see it that way in the moment.
So how I did I get over wanting closure? In truth, I realized that for me, closure was bullshit. There was no ending to things, at least not a pretty one like in the movies where both parties talk it out and admit fault, and come to a decent conclusion. Life isn’t like that. Sometimes people hurt you and you don’t get a reason as to why. They might never tell you why they acted a certain way. Some people walk away and never feel the need to express to you what was their breaking point. Some people cheat with no good reason. So instead of beating yourself up over it, you just have to let it go. I believe that you must create the closure for yourself. You can reflect on what you did, the reasons why, and move on with that. You might never get an explanation from others.
It helps to remember that when people hurt you or their actions hurt you, this is not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of them and the journey they are on. Once you realize that, it is much easier to accept things. As someone who always felt like I was responsible for things ending, a weight was lifted off of my shoulders when I realized that just as I act on my feelings and internal struggles, so do others. And just as someone can’t look at me and figure out what is going on internally nor would I reveal it, the same goes for others.
If you are someone who feels like they need closure, ask yourself some questions. What do you really want? Do you want to know why something ended? What will knowing the “why” change for you? Will you be a better person knowing this “why?” Are you holding out for this closure and not moving on? If the person you need closure from died today, what would you do? Would you dwell on that forever or force yourself to move on? Are you using wanting closure to hold on to something or someone you should have already let go?
Don’t carry unnecessary weight around and make yourself miserable. You never know what you are missing when you are waiting for something that might never happen. You are the author of your own story and only you have the power to end chapters, not anyone else.
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