Trusting the Process

A little known fact about me is that I am impatient. The kind of impatient that starts tracking an online order, two minutes after I receive the confirmation email. The kind of impatient that messes up my nails after I paint them, because I keep touching them to check if they have dried. I’m the kind of impatient that sends a text message asking a question, and will stare at the screen waiting until they respond. I’m so impatient, I go to the gym 4-5 times a week, and weigh myself every morning and night expecting to be 40 pounds lighter, in a matter of a few weeks. Patience is not my strong suit. And while these instances are very trivial, I am also impatient in other areas on my life.

As I’ve written about before, when I started dating Oscar one of my best friends also starting dating a close friend of mine. A few months into their relationship, the moved in together. It worked out wonderfully for them. At the same time, I had wanted to move out of my house for a while, and wanted Oscar and I in together. When my friend did it, I wanted to do it even more! Looking back now, it definitely was not the time then, and it wouldn’t be the right time for a while. However, in this process I had been very impatient the entire time. This year, when it became official that Oscar and I would move in together, I thought it would never happen. We had to do a lot of renovations in our now apartment, and I swear, everything was just making this process move along slower and slower. I wanted to rush through everything, and I’m very glad Oscar is more rational than me, and did not let me. I’m glad he reminded me to trust the process. Now, I’m thankful for the delay. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and the timing is also part of the reason. Oscar and I have a wonderful relationship, and I’m glad we did not ruin it by rushing into something.

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Oscar’s and I future home if I keep up with my impatience

But that is not everything…Another thing testing my patience this year was my return to school. I’ve blogged before about how I’ve struggled with figuring out what I wanted to do and the path to take. I decided this year to return to RACC, redeem myself academically, and then transfer to Kutztown University to complete my degree in Communication. When it is all said and done, I’m looking at another three years to get this all done. Now at 23, I feel like I’m too old to be in college pursuing my bachelor’s degree, when my peers are working on their Master’s or are already working in their desired profession. However, I keep reminding myself that this is my journey and it is not going to look like anyone else’s, and it does not have to.

This being said, I still would like to rush through everything and graduate as soon as possible. I know this is not going to happen, but I have to be honest with myself and admit that it is something I want. But if there is anything I’ve learned throughout my entire journey with “figuring what I want to do,” is that you absolutely cannot rush the process. There is no shortcut, no way to make it go faster. And if you do try and rush things, you can easily ruin what you’ve worked so hard to build up. (Yes, I’ve done this before.) You just have to trust the process.

It seems my bigger issue is not so much patience in these two cases, but also wanting to go along with society’s “acceptable timeline” to get things done. I keep comparing educational timeline to everyone else’s, and that is not fair to me. No two people live identical lives, so why must our timelines be the same? I have been beating myself up for a while because my timeline was not matching up to what “it’s supposed to look like.” But enough of that! Who cares if I get my degree in 3 years, or 5, or whenever? Who cares if in two years all my peers are having babies or getting married, and Oscar and I are not? This is my life and my journey! As much as I get down about my life not going according to plan, and as much as I want to rush through it now, I just keep having to remind myself that there was a reason my life did not go as “planned” and I did not follow “the timeline.” Actually, there are so many reasons why, little and big! Looking at my life now, and how much I absolutely love it, a lot of the reason why I love it would not even be a part of my life if my life had gone as planned.

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xxxHolic, Volume 1 

There is one more journey I will start soon and it will test my patience in different ways. This journey is to get a breast reduction. Now, unlike my relationship and education, this is not something I can really compare to anything else or blame society for wanting it done soon. However, it is something I’ve been wanting to get done for years and I am finally at a position in my life where I can begin to try! I’ve heard many things about this journey, about the steps to qualify for the surgery and for insurance to approve coverage. I’m beyond nervous to get started, but like I said above, everything happens for a reason. No matter how quickly or slowly the ball gets rolling, there is a reason behind it. No matter how long it takes, I will not let my impatience allow me to lose faith. I just have to trust the process.

They save we spend our whole lives always wanting the next step. We’re dying to become teenagers, then adults, then graduates, then get in the working field, and so on until we are actually dying. I’ve allowed my impatience to let me miss out on the “bigger picture” and I’m over that. I’m done measuring my worth to some social construct of a timeline. I’m done waiting for things to get done, or reach a place in my life, and not enjoying the  moments. In the grand scheme of things, I’m so young and I have so much left to live. I’m not going to value myself by where I am in life and where “society” tells me I should be. I’m learning to trust the process.

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