If you follow me on social media and now read this blog, you will get the impression that I am not shy about expressing my feelings. Whether it is about my friends, family, my boyfriend, ect., I will express how I truly feel. Take it back to the Myspace days, I’ve always been one to express myself. Why? Because why not? It seems like I am living in a generation of people who instead of looking “stupid,” would rather look “heartless” or “cold.”
Listen, almost all of us have been hurt. Almost all of us have been “played.” We’ve put ourselves out there for someone, only to realize they were not going to do the same for us. We’ve put up pictures, only to have to delete them later on. Before it was tweets and Instagram bios, we had them on our “Top 8.” We’d caption every picture [xx.xx.xx <3.] (I didn’t do this, because I was always single, I mean uh, too cool to date.) But you get the point. We have been proud to call someone ours and they were not proud to call us theirs. It happens. I’ve been there.
I can’t sit here and judge how people handle pain; it is different for everyone. It’s not easy to trust again, I get that. What I don’t get is the obsession with being “cold” or not caring about people. Search the terms “heartless” and “coldhearted” on Instagram, and see how quickly you’ll be scrolling through hundreds of post, about how people do not care. What’s cool about that?
Like I said, I’ve been hurt. And it sucked. But you know what was the best part? How ALIVE I felt. Pain is a crazy thing. You feel as if your heart has been ripped out of your chest, yet, you can feel it pulsating through your entire body. One of my favorite writers wrote, “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” (Brownie points if you can guess who!) And it does! Pain is selfish. It wants to take up all of your time, it wants to be the center of attention. But once it is done, it is one of the most freeing feelings in the world. You wake up so much stronger, so attune to the world, and that feels amazing.
Before I met my boyfriend, I had just awoken. I had ended a toxic situation, and had such fresh eyes for the world. Instead of closing myself, I blossomed. I had just gone through what I felt to be, the worst situation I put myself in. So my logic was, “Well I know how that feels, and I never want to feel that again, so let me use my knowledge and find what I haven’t felt yet.” And indeed I did. I could have chosen to carry that resentment, pain, suffering, and even embarrassment with me. However, if I had done that, I would have been too deep in suffering, to see all the good that was yet to come.
That is why I have such an issue with this “cold hearted” culture. It does not have a good message. It’s preventing necessary growth! Being hurt is only part of the process. It’s like getting a cut on your finger. Instead of letting nature run it’s course and developing a scab, which eventually falls of to reveal new skin, you cut it off. Now you’re left with a nub. The healing never occurs, because you do not let it. Cutting yourself off from feelings, new experiences, does no good. Yes, you don’t “feel the pain.” Yes, no one will hurt you again. But, you don’t grow. You don’t learn. In your “cold heartedness,” you become paranoid. You don’t trust anyone. But most importantly, you don’t trust yourself. I think the reason people are so afraid to trust is not because of the other person, but because they are afraid they cannot trust themselves to be okay if it does not work out.
I don’t have all the answers, and maybe I’m biased because I’ve suffered and survived. I’ve thought my world was ending, only to realize it was only beginning. I’m glad I didn’t give up them, and I just wish all those “coldhearted” folks don’t give up now.