I’ll admit it, I’m that person. You know the one: always saving motivational quotes, having a daily mantra for each day of the week, and over all, always looking for inspiration in every place. I have inspirational Pinterest boards for multiple categories: fitness, adulting, life, school- you name it, it’s there with some cheesy quote. Now, there is nothing really wrong with this, sometimes we all need reminders to keep it pushing. Except when no matter how much motivation you seek, you stay unmotivated. This is my issue. I’ve always been creative. I love thinking of new ideas and doing new things. I always want to try things or dedicate myself to a craft, but I can never get there.
A few weeks ago I asked on Facebook, how do people stay motivated. Surprisingly, I got a lot of responses. Most people said they think about their goals and how important it is for them to achieve them. The future plays a big role as well, since most people are working for something to obtain later down the road. To be honest, that question was asked for this specific post, which was supposed to be my first blog post. I asked that September 8th. On October 14th, I posted my first post. Cleary, even that question did not help motivate me.
I wish I could take the easy way out and say that I lose motivation because I am lazy. (I mean who doesn’t enjoy a good nap and a big ol’ chunk of doing nothing?) But when I go to school full-time and work full-time, I don’t think I can call myself lazy. However, if I’m being honest with myself, I do those things because I have to. I have to work and I have to go to school. That is just how my life works. However, when it comes to other things I want to do, there are no consequences if I don’t do them. Not major ones, anyway.
I’ve been meaning to start this blog for a while but I could never bring myself to do it. I was scared. Now, I’m that person that never gives a damn about how people see me. Ask people who went to high school with me, they’d tell you I was that weird girl still obsessed with Mario and Pokemon at the age of 18. I’m not afraid to be real. Except for when it comes to people seeing me vulnerable, or admitting I’m weak, which happens a lot. For example, in my writings.
To me, writing has always been a way to reach down into my soul. I pour myself into writing a lot more easily than I do with anything else. It’s so easy for me to express myself in written form. I’m a great communicator verbally, but there’s nothing quite like writing it down. And for the most part, I think it is because when you are writing, you are speaking to yourself. But when it comes to sharing that, it’s been so scary. Sometimes I don’t want to listen to myself, so why would anyone else want to?
But it’s not only with writing. In recent months, due to lifestyle changes, I’ve gained a decent amount of weight. Now this is nothing I’m ashamed about, it happens, part of life, blah blah blah. But it is not something I’m necessarily proud about either. I follow so many inspirational fitness Instagram accounts, pin all those recipes, but when it comes down to it, I’m not doing anything to change it. It’s not even like I hate working out, I don’t even try. I get so self-conscious at a gym. I fear everyone is going to be looking at me on a treadmill, or picking up weights and think, “look at this girl not knowing what she’s doing.” I immediately give up before I try.
And that is my problem. I can’t motivate myself to try ANYTHING because I’m so scared of failing. I’m so scared of falling on my ass. Instead of trying, I give up, and push things to the back of my mind. Did you know I write poetry? Did you know I have a youtube channel where I talk about stuff? Nope, I bet you didn’t because instead of actively doing and pursuing my hobbies, I hide behind my job and responsibilities, ultimately doing nothing.
Now this post may sound self-deprecating, but I promise it is not. It’s a reality I am working on changing, and I’m probably not the only person who feels this way. I’ve dedicated myself to running and keeping this blog, so that’s one step. Step two is talking to my loved ones and sharing my passions. As I’ve discovered with this blog, even when it was just an idea, having people know about it and be interested in it really fueled me to do it. I’m so used to keeping my fears to myself, that it’s hard for me to vocalize them. I always want to hide away but a really good friend gave me some advice that really help. “Don’t allow yourself to hide. There’s no need for that. That’s why you have a support system to help guide you through the hard times.” I’m really glad she did because just talking about it has made all the difference. I might not get up and run a 5K tomorrow, while becoming a Youtube star, and publishing my poetry anthology, but I’ll be less afraid to try.